Dib and Zim? FRIENDS? NEVER!
by chicky.licky
Summary: Things turn out a little differently when Dib and Zim meet. Oneshot. No ZADR.


(A/N): This came to me in a dream… Actually no it didn't, it came to me while I was watching "The Nightmare Begins" obsessively, but the first one sounds way cooler.

P.S. It's from Dib's POV (kinda obvious if you know ANYTHING about Invader Zim).

DISCLAIMER: I am not worthy and therefore I do not own Invader Zim. I wish I did though, that'd be totally awesome. My friends would be like, "Aww holy crap you're awesome!!" and I'd be like… Anyway I don't own it.

* * *

'Okay, am I the only one who sees the alien sitting in class?' I said incredulously. Everyone else looks around. Some idiot even looks up. 'There!! Right… THERE!!' I point straight at Zim. 'That is no kid, he's an alien! An alien! One of the monsters I've been talking about! He's here to conquer Earth…'

Zita leans forward. 'Aw not this again. You're crazy!' Zim stares at me, eyes wide. Trying to look innocent I presumed.

'What about his horrible green head?!' I cried; they _had_ to be blind!

'Insolent fool boy!' he said grasping at the air. 'It's a skin condition.' He replied as if it this was obvious and faced the front again with his hands clasped on the desk. Then he quickly glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.

'And he's got no ears!' I said to Aki, who glared at me like I was a lunatic. I was _going_ to make them see this! 'Is that part of your _skin condition_? No ears?' Zim looked depressed.

'Yes…' he looked down at his desk. Everyone glared at me.

'Man, Dib. You think just cause someone looks different you can call them an alien?' the kid next to him said.

'I guess Old Kid's an alien too then, huh?' Brian said, pointing to Old Kid.

'How's it going?' Old Kid waved. This was getting old fast.

'Okay, see, this is us!' I said, standing up and getting out a pointer and showing them a picture of _us_. 'Now over here, over here is _Zim_! See the difference? Anyone, anyone questions?!'

'Yeah!' The Letter M piped up. 'What's wrong with you? All you talk about is aliens and ghosts and seeing Bigfoot in your garage!'

'He was using the belt sander..!' I said weakly. I could see they didn't believe me still, it was written all over their faces! Then _he _just had to butt in.

'Yeah, he's always saying stuff! I remember that one time –' Zim started, and geez people were always saying how we wanted to find _intelligent _life out there!

'Hey! You just got here!' I said jabbing my finger at him. 'Don't let him trick you! I know what I'm talking about! And there it is, sitting right there!' The kids looked confused as if they were drawn between believing me and giving me another wedgie.

'Well… he does look pretty weird…' Someone said.

_Yes! They're getting it!_ I thought, taking a breath.

'Yeah! And he IS sitting…' I could see it; Zim was looking more and more worried! He knew I had him cornered!

'You see? Actual proof that all the things I've been saying are actually right! Finally a way to prove that I'm… that I'm…' I began, already imagining the parades they'd hold in my glory!

But before I could finish he butted in _AGAIN!_ 'Duh, I'm crazy!' Zim said behind his hand in a _really_ bad imitation of me.

'Oh okay. Now that makes sense!' Zita said.

'Man! We almost believed him!' Brian said to Zim. I nearly blew it then and there, but I held it in and gave Zim my worst look and he glared right back.

'Doom, doom, doom… Go home now!' Ms Bitters cried and pointed just as the bell rang. How did she do that..?

As all the other children cheered and poured out of the classroom, some even jumping out the widows, I watched Zim leave. In my backpack I saw the glimpse of my very special pair of handcuffs. Yes that was it!

Just as I walked out of the Skool I saw Zim moving to go down the steps.

'Zim.' I said and he turned to face me. 'Maybe your cruddy little disguise worked on everyone else, but I'll get them to see the truth!'

'No one will believe you…' he said cockily.

'They'll believe if I bring you to them without your disguise!' I challenged, sliding down the hand rail so I was in front of him. 'I ordered this from one of my UFO-zines,' I got out the handcuffs.

'Oh, they're pretty. What is it?' Zim asked and looked very nervous. He leaned away from them as I opened them up.

'Alien sleep cuffs! Guaranteed to render all alien life forms unconscious!'

'How do you know it works, if you've never found an alien before?' he asked cautiously. I laughed.

'I'm gunna find out right now!' I said as I lunged at him. I pinned him down but he struggled a lot. I finally got the handcuffs around his wrists. I began laughing when he stopped moving, but when I looked down I could see he was only shocked. 'Huh?' I said bewildered. They were completely over his gloved arms. Why weren't they working? Zim seemed to have been flooded with relief. Wait a second, his gloves! I yanked his gloves off from under the handcuffs. Zim struggled a bit more but with me holding him down there was nothing he could do. Still nothing happened though. And geez he had clean nails… Zim finally pushed me off him. I yelled out as I rolled down the stairs and tried to get his ankle as he passed me but he got away. 'Hey! I want those back you know!' I called after him, but I knew I wouldn't. When I got up I sighed and trudged home slowly.

**1 Week Later…**

I had been watching Zim for an entire week now and apart from finding out that he likes himself A LOT, I didn't know anything new. Of course Dad and Gaz didn't believe me and there was no one else I could tell, so once again, I sat alone (that is until Gaz came) at a lunch table watching Zim massacre his food. Big Moose Kid was walking up behind him and slipped on some potatoes and smashed his head into the peas. He got up and screamed at the top of his lungs while jumping on table madly. Why was I STILL the only one seeing this?! Just then, Jessica the _popular_ girl started talking VERY loudly.

'That new kid's a freak.' She stated. Darn right. 'I think his name is Zip or something.' Zim looked up and saw her talking about him. 'He's been here long enough to at least make some _loser_ friends, like that creepy kid Dib.' Oh yeah, that's what they call all the paranormal investigators when they first start off. 'Or those rejects in the corner. But look at him. I mean, what kind of kid doesn't have _any_ friends? It's so inhuman!' Zim seemed to hear that last comment very well. I resisted the urge to leap up and exclaim "That's so true! And you know why? Because he _isn't_ human! He's an alien!" because I knew everyone would just call me crazy again.

Zim just stood there staring into space, when suddenly he gasped loudly. He looked around at the creepy goings on in the lunch room and seemed to notice a trend… Then he whipped around and looked at me. I scowled. He turned away and his face seemed to light up when he saw the "rejects" in the corner, all looking depressed and sorry for themselves.

I watched him as he first walked up to Dirge. That guy was extremely weird. He told everyone who talked to him that he was "some kind of horrible fish boy" because he had webbed toes, and then seals the deal by asking if they wanna see. I was paired with him in third grade for a project and ended up doing it all myself because I didn't want to have to look at them. I shuddered and saw that Zim was slowly backing away looking freaked out.

Next he went to Mathew P. Mathers III. Not a wise move at all space boy. Mathew only ever squeals. Some say he doesn't actually know how to talk at all… As if on cue Mathew took one look at Zim and ran screaming out of the lunch room.

Zim raised his voice loud enough so that everyone could hear, as if he was talking to the whole lunch room. Nobody was listening of course. Well apart from me anyway.

'Squealy fools! These human filthies should be _honoured_ to even be considered as possible friends of _Zim_.' His voice quavered on his name, as it always did. He looked over and saw the last two people over there. Gretchen and Melvin. Usually Keef would be over there too, but he was away for some reason. Probably something to do with what happened yesterday with the jungle gym. Poor kid looked like a pretzel… 'Who among you feels worthy enough to be my "best friend"?' he said to them. They smiled slightly at the thought of having a friend. 'Good! I have devised some simple tests to determine who is the worthiest. We begin by testing your _absorbency_.' I raised my eyebrow. Geez he was dumb. He poured some milk onto the table and shoved Gretchen and Melvin into and scrubbed them around a bit to see if they absorbed any. They didn't of course. He looked unhappy. 'Next I test your electrical conductivity…' he got out two wires and created a charge between them and raised it over his head. I had to look away. There was A LOT of screaming… Both of them were highly singed and in pain afterwards and Zim continued to look unhappy. 'And now, the final test!' he said and pulled out what looked like a toy beaver and a taxi cab and walked slowly towards them. I knew I would NOT want to see this so I ducked my head under the table. After about ten minutes of screaming it went quiet and I looked again. Zim was now positively fuming and it seemed that neither of them had passed.

'Gaz? Did you see _any_ of that?' I asked her pointing at Zim.

'No.' she replied without looking up from her GameSlave. I sighed and went back to watching Zim.

'You!' He pointed dramatically at Gretchen. 'Shall have the honour of having me as a friend! What is your name?' He asked.

'It's, uh, Gretchen!' she said happily. Zim "smiled" and dragged her down to Jessica's table.

'I'd like you all to meet Gretchen! She's my _best friend_.' He said putting emphasis on the last bit. I sighed in disgust. 'Not yours, _mine_!' He added for good measure.

'Get lost you losers!' Jessica said irritated.

'Very well. I am going to get lost. But notice I am getting lost with my best friend.' He said and dragged Gretchen (who waved to me) out of the room. I waved back half heartedly. Poor girl.

* * *

After two days of watching Zim and Gretchen "be friends" as Zim put it, I found Gretchen crying on the third.

'Gretchen? What's wrong?' I asked walking over to her. 'It's Zim isn't it? He's an alien you know.'

'He told me we weren't friends anymore!' She sniffled. I leaned away from her.

'You _liked_ being friends with him?' I asked disbelievingly. She looked up and nodded.

'Of course! He was the best friend I ever had! He included me in everything.'

'He was the _only_ friend you ever had!' I said but knowing this wasn't the right approach for getting information out of her I changed my tone. 'Aw, don't worry I'm sure there was a reason… Maybe because he's an alien… But do you know where he lives? Did you get to go inside his house? Was there anything unusual in there?' I fired off questions.

'Yeah, I know where he lives but I never went inside. I don't think he wanted me to. Ha, it must've been really messy or something.' She snorted.

_Yeah or something_. I thought bitterly. Then I realised something else. My face lit up and a huge smile spread across my face. She knew where he lived!

'Do you think maybe you could show me after Skool?' I asked in the nicest voice I could muster.

That night, after Gretchen had showed me the way, I snuck over to Zim's house dressed all in black. I was walking over there when I spotted a creepy little green dog carrying a SuckMunkey like it was a baby walk into his house. I was even more surprised when it just _left the door open_! I scuttled in after the thing and climbed onto the roof (which incidentally, was made entirely of really thick wires) while it was busy sucking away at its drink. When I was just getting ready to take some photos of the house an alarm sounded through the entire house and the roof seemed to quiver. I leapt off and ran for my life. I stopped at the neighbour's house only to see Zim come into the lounge room turn off the alarm with a remote and then spot the open door. He yelled something at the dog and closed the door and headed into the kitchen again. I was puzzled. It was actually a _normal _thing to do… Maybe he was just smarter than I gave him credit for. With that thought I started on my way home, empty handed.

**1 Month Later…**

I was getting more and more frustrated at my lack of evidence against Zim and it was even more annoying that I had to sit in class listening to Ms Bitters.

'And you, Mary, right where you're head is, before the Big Bang there was _nothing_ there! And outside where, that squirrel is, there was _nothing_! And under your chairs _NOTHING_!' She droned on. It was only _seconds_ before the bell, why didn't she stop talking? I could see Zim straining in his seat, waiting for bell like a normal kid would. I was about ready to leap out of my seat a yell "Stop being so normal, Zim! I know you're an alien and I'm going to prove it!" but I knew it wouldn't help so I didn't. 'And by that tree, where that dog is, nothing…' By now I could tell the clock had stopped and I think Zim could too. Then, FINALLY, the clock moved and the bell rang. Zim breathed a sigh of relief as he got out of his chair to leave. 'Don't forget that tonight is parent/teacher night. Everyone is required to bring their parents to the cafeteria.' Ms Bitters stated. Yeah, yeah who would be stupid enough to forget after last parent/teacher night? I'm sure we _all_ learnt a little something about Ms Bitters that day…

'I never agreed to attend this "parent/teacher" night!' Zim did a double take and walked back into the classroom and glared at Ms Bitters. Oh I had to see this!

'Yes you did!' Ms Bitters said leaning in really close to Zim's face.

'No. You lie! You Liiiiiie!' he cried swiping at the air.

'Huh!' Ms Bitters swooped away from hi and back to her desk where she got out a disk and put it in her computer so she could project it up on a massive TV screen where the board had been. Never seen that before… On it was Zim balancing a pencil on his lip with his feet up on the desk looking bored.

'Zim, are you going to bring your parents to parent/teacher night?' Ms Bitters in the video asked. Zim didn't look up from the pencil.

'Yeah, sure, whatever.' For an alien invader he sure did know how to act like a brat. The video ended. Zim looked up at a camera in the room that was now trained on him.

'Why would you tape that..?' he asked. I smirked and decided to say something.

'Sure are putting up a lot of fight for something as simple as parent/teacher night, Zim.' I said finally getting out of my chair. 'I bet he doesn't even know what parents are!' I said to Ms Bitters but it was clear she didn't care.

'Of course I do…' Zim replied. He zoned out for a few seconds and then suddenly jumped up onto Ms Bitters and hugged her. He then opened his eyes and Ms Bitters growled and slid away. He landed back on the ground with a plop.

'You _will_ be here tonight. You and your parents!' Ms Bitters said unkindly. Zim turned to walk out but I stopped him.

'Yeah, see you and your parents tonight Zim!' I called to him. He stopped and spun around.

'Yes! Oh I will bring my parents! And they shall be the greatest, more parental parents' everrrr!' He said somewhat madly. I was a little freaked out after that.

* * *

'But Dad! You have to come! It's parent/teacher night, not floating TV screen/teacher night!' I argued with Dad. Or what was supposed to be Dad. Gaz rolled her eyes. I guessed she'd given up but that wasn't my problem.

'I'm sorry son, I just can't.' And with that the monitor floated off to be somewhere else. I ground my teeth and decided to watch TV until it was time to go. But I was still slightly excited, perhaps tonight I'd finally get the evidence I needed to expose Zim as an alien! I savoured the thought.

* * *

When Gaz, Dad and I walked into the cafeteria I couldn't see Zim anywhere.

_Good, that means I haven't missed anything_. I thought. Suddenly Mr Elliot, Gaz's overly happy teacher, was in front of us.

'Hey kids! Your Dad… I never knew he was a floating head!' Geez, he was stupid.

'No, he's not. My Dad's just really busy and he couldn't be here in person. He's transmitting live from his lab across town.' I explained carefully to him.

He bent down. 'Hey my dad was like that too, you know I understand.' He said to us and I could see Gaz next to me wincing at his closeness. Happiness was probably like acid to her… 'It's nice to meet you professor!' He said to Dad. 'I'm Mr Elliot, huh, your daughter Gaz's teacher!' He held out his hand. Should this man really be a teacher? Gaz groaned quietly.

'I'm sorry, but I'm very busy right now. We're testing some highly unstable – Huh?! NO! YOU HAVE THE MIXTURE ALL WRONG!' Dad screamed at someone outside of the picture. There was a loud explosion and I was glad Dad's lab was across the town. I watched behind Mr Elliot as a huge mushroom cloud bloomed and an alarm went off. It was only slightly odd no one else noticed, they were all too busy staring at the safety message displayed on Dad's screen. Just then Zim walked in with his "parents". There was something about them… I couldn't quite put my finger on it though… He strode up to Ms Bitters with his parents in tow. Whatever they were they weren't very good actors because they were slouching everywhere and generally being quite _inhuman_. Heh, I made a joke. I was thinking about getting some punch and when I saw Zim walking that way too I walked a bit faster. Dad was talking to Gaz about something, but I really wanted him to see Zim.

'Hello Zim' I said, dipping my cup in the punch as Zim had done. He didn't turn around.

'Dib.' He said.

'Dad, there's someone I want you to meet. This is Zim. You know the _alien_.' I pointed. Dad flew his TV screen closer and rubbed his chin.

'And what country is the little green boy from?' Dad asked neither of us in particular.

'Yes, yes that's fascinating.' Zim said without looking then scuttled off. But not before coming back and tipping my cup so punch went all over me. It took a lot of willpower not to run after him and tackle him. But Dad was there and I knew I couldn't. Gaz chuckled behind me.

'Son! You need to be more careful around punch! It stains! Go clean yourself up now!' Dad commanded.

'But Dad! I need to be here to –' I argued but I knew there was no point. For a scientist, Dad could be pretty blind sometimes. One day I'll make him see. I'll make them _all_ see!

'No buts! You're the son of me! And that means you stay presentable.' I sighed and walked off towards the Skool's disgusting bathrooms.

* * *

No matter how quickly I tried to get it off, the punch refused to budge. I just knew I was missing something important to do with saving the world back in the cafeteria but Dad would kill me if came back any less than clean and how could I save the world if I was dead? Huh? You tell me that!

I finally emerged from the bathroom to come back to a cafeteria where everyone was in shambles. I quickly found Gaz.

'What happened here?! I knew I shouldn't have left I knew it!' I cried, dropping to my knees. But there was a chance! Maybe they did all notice something for once. Maybe they were all crowded around a cowering Zim with his disguise off!

I pushed my way through only to find Billy and Mongo Slunchy's mother a nervous wreck. Gaz had followed me in.

'What happened?' I asked her.

'Someone's dorky mother started poking her. And then some guys arm flew off and Mr Elliot overloaded…' She pointed next to the Mrs Slunchy and there was Mr Elliot being fanned by somebody. I ground my teeth together.

'Was it Zim's parent's?' I asked.

'Yeah.' She replied.

'Tell Dad I went to a friends place!' I cried and ran from the room.

'He'll know you're lying!' Gaz called after me but I didn't stop to retort.

* * *

When I finally reached Zim's house the door was wide open again. I cautiously stepped over the threshold to see the weird green dog sitting on the couch in front of a massive TV watching the Angry Monkey Show. I never understood why it hasn't been cancelled yet, cause I knew a really good one that had been… it was one of my favourites.

As I stood there it didn't do anything. It didn't even seem to see me at all. It was completely entranced by the TV. While I waited for it to do something Zim strolled out into the kitchen dragging his "father" with him. His circuits were cut and it was sparking madly. That was it! His parents were robots! It was so obvious now… Zim had his eyes closed and was humming an annoying tune.

'Aha! I knew it! You're "parents" were robots!' I cried and pointed. His eye snapped open, and then when he saw me standing there he opened both wide in alarm.

'GIR! I thought I told you to close the door!' He said to the dog, which then got up closed the door and sat down again. Zim sighed in annoyance and then remembered the problem at hand. Namely me.

'I knew it! And now that I know I can –' I began a rant. Yes, I _know_ I rant, but it's hard to stop, okay?

'Yeah, well… You're father's just a floating head!' Zim countered. Fairly immaturely if you ask me.

'No he isn't he was just too busy to come in person, he was transmitting live from –' I started my well practised speech.

'Well, eh, same here! My parents are real too!' I looked down at the fizzing thing on the floor.

'No it isn't.' I stated bluntly.

'Heh heh, not _them_… But I do have parents. Because, you know, it would be pretty abnormal not too!' Zim said snidely. He seemed to be getting more confident.

'Well, where _are_ they then?' I asked. It was getting all too confusing for my liking.

'They are famous.' He replied.

'For what?'

'Their, um… lustrous voices!' He finished.

'So your parents are singers?' I couldn't think straight anymore.

'Yes.' Something seemed to click Zim's head, like he had an idea. 'I can… trust you right?'

'With what?' I asked cautiously. Zim rolled his eyes.

'Un-tellable knowledge, of course. Which you can tell no one.' He stated.

'A… secret?' What could _Zim_ possible want to tell me? That he was an alien, perhaps?

'Yes. Now can I trust you or not?' He asked impatiently.

'I guess…'

'My parents sent me here to live anonymously and in peace so I wouldn't be bothered by hideous fangirls. They set me up with everything I could need to look normal.' He finished. No! NO! It couldn't be true? It made… too much sense! I shook my head.

'You really aren't an alien? But, what about your skin! It's… It's green!' I wailed.

'All an amazing ruse.' He said proudly. 'That I can NEVER take off, by the way.' He added. 'Lest the fangirls keep hunting for my blood…' He shuddered.

'All this stuff! It's alien!' I said desperately. I didn't know why I was arguing with _him_.

'Nooooo, no, no, no! It's just advanced!' Zim said, apparently revelling in my unhappiness. 'My parents can afford it you know… And by the way, Gir! Cast of your amazing cover!' The dog jumped from the couch and seemed to peel its skin off. From within the dog a tiny blue and silver robot emerged. It waved madly at me.

'Hi!!' It said in a very high pitched voice.

'He's my personal _body guard_!' Zim stated, then seemed to snicker as if he were enjoying an inside joke.

It was all too much. 'You really aren't an alien.' I repeated, but this time it wasn't a question it was a fact.

'Nope.' Zim said. If he had been confident before, now he was just showing off. I couldn't take it. I ran screaming from that _horrible_ house holding my head, to stop it from exploding. The robot poked its head out the door.

'Byeeee!!' It cried and I ran faster.

* * *

**2 Years Later…**

'Hey, hey Zim! Come check it out! Poonchy just got a face full of bees!' I beckoned Zim over. After that fateful night I had approached Zim the next day, we had a lot in common. We had quickly become friends. Although nearly every day Zim claimed we weren't friends and that he needed no one, we continued to hang out and make fun of the people who used to laugh at us.

'Hey Poonchy, what's up? Ohh what's the matter? Cat got your tongue? No wait those are bees! And aren't you allergic to bee stings?! Ha ha ha! Sucks to be you! No wait they _sting _don't they?' Zim teased him mercilessly and I laughed along. We both sighed. Zim was a weird kid, but then so was I, I guess. Where ever he went destruction and mayhem followed. Half of America had been destroyed when we went on a class field trip to the white house, but he just laughed it off and said he had to make a call… Gee he was a fun person… Very good for a laff.

'So Zim, wanna stop by my house after Skool? My sister just got the new Vampire Piggy Hunter and she hates it when I bring friends around to use her stuff –' I began.

'For the last time Dib! I'm not your friend! But yes, that sounds quite entertaining. Your scary sister is amusing to annoy and I do like hunting vampire piggies.' Zim replied. I walked over to a water cooler and bent down to get a drink. Out of the corner of my I saw Zim smile wickedly but I was too slow to react and he suddenly forced my whole face into the stream of water. I spluttered and coughed and when he let me up he was laughing uncontrollably and I lunged at him. Zim held my face away at arms length but I keep swatting at him blindly. I heard him gasp and his arms went limp and shot up to his head. I turned to look at him and shouted in surprise. He was bald! His wig was on the ground… but wait a second. He had antennas!!

'ARGHH!! AN ALIEN!! AN ALIEN!!' I cried running around circles. 'Wait a minute. You _are _an alien.'

'Ah, uhmm, eh, no I'm not!' He shoved his wig back on crookedly before everyone started looking. 'I'm just –'

'No, you're an alien…' I said and walked slowly away from him. He looked confused, but then I was too. How could I have been so dumb? Maybe he had been using a hypnotising machine. Yeah, that must be it! Gee I had a lot of work to do! I hadn't sat in this spot by myself, away from everyone else, in two years! And I hadn't contacted the Swollen Eyeball Network in two years either! And I hadn't –.

God I hate Zim.

* * *

(A/N): I don't actually know if the real name of the girl I called Jessica and if you do, then please tell me me cause there are lots of different things that people call her.

SOOOOooo… How was it? Good, bad..? REVIEW DAMN YOU!!

-pokes-

-pokes again-

-and again-

-pokes repeatedly and very rapidly-

-hand gets bitten off-

ARGHHH!! Oh well, at least it will grow back. WHAT?! IT WON'T?! WHY THE HELL NOT?! Oh okay. Fair enough. At least it was my left hand…

Anyway… REVIEW!!


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